Success...in Failing.

after the years that past.
after all these traumatic events.
i constrained my emotions.
prevent it from it's natural flow.
by doing so..i learnt something else..
but should i carry on constraining?
because i can feel it going astray again..
or is it the right time?
the heart says yes..
the mind says no..
is it this confidence in which i devoid that's making me
a wuss?
or maybe i am just being all too sensitive again?
i do feel scared.
or maybe worried more likely..
contemplating..
contemplating...
why do i worry so much?
to an extend that i had consecutive dreams of her?
my god..
i've not had such series of dreams of the same person within 3 hours.
am i thinking too much?
i might believe so..
but still..
i am losing myself by doing so.


ugh..
what am i thinking..
what am i doing...
would you even care?

i doubt.

"Looking back in time through a magnifying glass."

after scrutinizing back my time through boredom..

i realised..

i've something to say..

"i realised how much of a jerk i was..

how much of an asshole i was..

if only i knew what your response were back then..

if only i knew what you were thinking..

it wasn't because you didn't do enough..

it is just because it wasn't what i wanted..

and it wasn't what you needed..

it was not i wasn't there..

it was because i didn't give in enough..
though so much has happened..

i only detest an action of yours..

and that was to tell your partner somethings of US , which was totally unnecessary..
which was then changed my guilt towards you to disgust.

things have changed..

even by looking back..

i detest my actions..

if i was given a chance to replay this movie..

i'd have done the same..

because what i am can't be changed..

and only from there..

i can learn..

i believe i have changed much..

so much so that i couldn't recognise myself through

the mirror's reply..

i was so burnt..

for 3 years now since you've departed..

i've not had someone else with me..

as i started to look back slowly..

i fear of having another partner..

because i fear i can't give what's needed..

but yet i'd just wish to try to give..

my thoughts and views have changed..

but it is only to me not a point approved by someone close.

i look back my pages to find a jerk within..

maybe this is the karma in which has been waiting for me.

the older age gets..

the more torment i'm in..

age is just a line to tell us what to do..

if the doctor who delivered you wasn't there to prove of your existence..

who would?
who could tell you your age?
who could tell you that you exist?
even with proof..

we might not even be at the correct age of time.
you can't know what was never there...


my existence.."