System of Belief.

"This is the first post of the new year of 2011.
i've came this far i see...

but there's still a question in which that bothers me from now and then.
why is it that i still believe in true love despite all that's happened?
is it because it is something that i truly devoid ever since i was young?
hence me searching for it?
i hop around to different feelings not because i want to flirt.

but i just want to search..

to prove my belief right..

but however my mind wins this logic all the time..

after so long and finally i entered a short so-called relationship

a few months ago..and it ended bad hence me hating the other party.

i've been working on my darkness meanwhile in which seems to be going quite well.

and courses that i've never thought that might cross my mind..

things have been going on well with everything of myself..

but do i really happy?
i somehow do..

but something's still missing...

- Ov"

The Death of My Heart.

The death of my heart means the birth of new hatred.
Apple has seriously torn and smashed my initial tiny bit of hope in love.
my only trust in humanity is now smashed and has vanished.
suelin's most recent ex boyfriend became a close sms friend.
it is only after consoling him..i realised that this aftermath i'm suffering from Apple's
is called karma.
but i don't think i did something to this extend but karma comes in the fold of three.
after all these nonsense..i began taking up the interest in Demonlogy.
the darker side..
The Left Hand Path.
the in midst of my journey to the dark...
i saw a friend..
a friend by the name of Jan..
she was torn and laying there motionless..
she was torn by a jackass whom i thought was one..
i was right..
using sympathy to gain her love.
how pathetic..
i can't vouch that my friend Jan is a very good lover/partner..
but i know she tries..
after speaking with her..
i only realised..
why is it that i can never find nice people like Jan , etc as girlfriends?
because i definitely know that the efforts these people put..
will not be wasted on me..
these people are my everything(good/close friends) but my girlfriend.
this is the reason why i disbelieve in the existence of God.
Jan.though i'm walking towards a lightless place..
i do not wish to see you dwell within the areas of these..
allow me to pick you up...
when you're ready to walk..
i'll once continue my journey towards the endless path of dark."

- Ov

By Far...

"What meaning is there to this existence?
i've seen none yet and am still delusion within this frame of reality.
is hatred the only way to see through human?
i'm unbalanced..
i need my other half.
be it whatever You've mentioned to me in the past.
i understand the fact i need to be single as my financial status does not allow.
but you've to understand the fact that everyone have different fuels in their life.
You've your balance.
i need mine.
You were such an impact to me to the extend that i cannot forgive myself because You said i've betrayed You.
although my conscience is clear.
but it is a taint.
like an inkblot.
once it dries.
it stays as a big splat.
never to be removed.
everyday i review my meaning of existence.
everyday i face a piece of hatred in my room.
everyday i think of the time.
everyday i think when will my wait will be over.
everyday...

everyday i lose my meaningless reason to live."







Asthar...why do i put you on such high priority in my life when it's meaningless?...
when it's just a delusion..?
when i know the reality of this...?
when i start thinking of you again...now.....

The life of a human.

when friends who have sticked together for too long.
either they fall out after sometime.
or
they get better.
but for my case..
i think when you're working..
colleagues and friends draw a very vague line.
i often cross that line and often reminded that friends and colleagues
do not mix.
cause friends will accept the good and the bad..
colleagues will only accept the good.
even when it seems bad..it is actually good.
the result is still the same.







i HAVE to learn my lesson.

Success...in Failing.

after the years that past.
after all these traumatic events.
i constrained my emotions.
prevent it from it's natural flow.
by doing so..i learnt something else..
but should i carry on constraining?
because i can feel it going astray again..
or is it the right time?
the heart says yes..
the mind says no..
is it this confidence in which i devoid that's making me
a wuss?
or maybe i am just being all too sensitive again?
i do feel scared.
or maybe worried more likely..
contemplating..
contemplating...
why do i worry so much?
to an extend that i had consecutive dreams of her?
my god..
i've not had such series of dreams of the same person within 3 hours.
am i thinking too much?
i might believe so..
but still..
i am losing myself by doing so.


ugh..
what am i thinking..
what am i doing...
would you even care?

i doubt.

"Looking back in time through a magnifying glass."

after scrutinizing back my time through boredom..

i realised..

i've something to say..

"i realised how much of a jerk i was..

how much of an asshole i was..

if only i knew what your response were back then..

if only i knew what you were thinking..

it wasn't because you didn't do enough..

it is just because it wasn't what i wanted..

and it wasn't what you needed..

it was not i wasn't there..

it was because i didn't give in enough..
though so much has happened..

i only detest an action of yours..

and that was to tell your partner somethings of US , which was totally unnecessary..
which was then changed my guilt towards you to disgust.

things have changed..

even by looking back..

i detest my actions..

if i was given a chance to replay this movie..

i'd have done the same..

because what i am can't be changed..

and only from there..

i can learn..

i believe i have changed much..

so much so that i couldn't recognise myself through

the mirror's reply..

i was so burnt..

for 3 years now since you've departed..

i've not had someone else with me..

as i started to look back slowly..

i fear of having another partner..

because i fear i can't give what's needed..

but yet i'd just wish to try to give..

my thoughts and views have changed..

but it is only to me not a point approved by someone close.

i look back my pages to find a jerk within..

maybe this is the karma in which has been waiting for me.

the older age gets..

the more torment i'm in..

age is just a line to tell us what to do..

if the doctor who delivered you wasn't there to prove of your existence..

who would?
who could tell you your age?
who could tell you that you exist?
even with proof..

we might not even be at the correct age of time.
you can't know what was never there...


my existence.."

Vampire..

"...my name..
My name is Percivale Ovezt..
..i live by the night..

and die by the day..

..
i wish to be dead..

for so the only place i lay sleeping is where i lay dead...

...........and.."